As mentioned in my previous blog post, I tried to emulate what I saw on TV. It was at that moment I devalued all my physical attributes that made me look Asian. 

I was 15 years old when I dyed my hair blonde. It was not until I was 21 years old when I went back to black hair. In total, I was blonde for 7 consecutive years. And let me tell you, it’s not easy being blonde. Hair professionals were not lying when they said it would be high maintenance. I found myself in the salon every 2 weeks for at least 5 hours in one sitting. I consistently had to spenf $60-100 every month on hair care products specially made for blondes. 

It was not easy. 

But I was motivated to stay blonde. Why? Because I did not want to look Asian. I wanted to look different. What is sickening to even mention now is how being a blonde Asian almost made me feel superior towards other Asians because they had black hair. How horrible of me, huh? Because I didn’t look like every other Asian – I felt important. I felt like somebody. Why? Because I emulated physical characteristics and attributes that is parallel to Western ideals of beauty – which was blonde hair and blue eyes. 

Don’t think I forgot. I changed my eye colour too. Every morning I would put on colour contacts just to have blue eyes. 

It was ridiculous. It felt like a burden, to say the least. 

But at the same time, it felt rewarding.  

I was getting treated with respect. People took me seriously. I didn’t speak Pidgin English. I had no accent. People took me seriously. White people took me seriously. 

I tried so hard to act “white,” and to me at the time, acting white meant speaking with a Canadian accent, using a specific tone and intonation to stray away from how people thought Asians would act and speak. 

In retrospect, I feel embarrassed. It was because of what I saw on the media that influenced my perceptions on what I thought was beautiful. 

I changed my appearance, the way I talked, the way I dressed just to fit in what I saw on the media. It wasn’t until now that I realize how problematic that is. 

It wasn’t until now that I realize I was wrong all along. 

What really served as an impact on my identity was how I saw my own kind represented in the TV shows I watched. 

One show I was obsessed with was Gilmore Girls. There was one specific character that really stood out for me. Mrs. Kim, was the mother of the main character’s best friend – her role really reinforced the strict Asian mother stereotype. 

It was then I felt inferior. This particular portrayal of an Asian character led me to believe that is how people in the Western world viewed Asians. 

It was almost as if I felt into a trap and is not convinced that the Asian stereotypes shown in the media was the real thing. 

I mean if I, myself, viewed my own kind in that light – then wouldn’t everyone else? 

Another show I watched religiously was 90210. In this show, like many others, the main characters were all white, had blonde hair and blue eyes. These were the characters I grew up seeing. I tried to emulate the way they talk, the way they look and the way they dressed. 

It was at that moment, I wanted to be white. 

I was 8 years old when I immigrated to Canada from the Philippines.

Contrary to popular belief – no, it was not a hard transition.

And no, I did not have a difficult time adjusting and adapting to the new space that I was forcefully put in by my parents. 

In the moment, I was excited to experience new things and meet new faces. I grew up in East Vancouver and met many people in the same situation as me; I met many people who looked like me. I thought, great, Canada isn’t so bad after all. 

In that very moment, I felt welcomed. I felt normal. 

Fast forward 4 years, I was 12 years old and moving to Secondary School. I was a good kid. I went to school, handled my business, went home and worked on my homework. Simply put, my parents were very traditional and strict; they did not allow me to hang around with random groups of people after school. Naturally, I spent most of my days consuming and watching TV shows. Growing up, I loved watching Hannah Montana, Lizzie McGuire and The Suite Life of Zach and Cody on Disney. It was then I started to realize that I did not look like the kids I was watching on TV. These kids were predominantly white, had blue eyes, and blonde hair. Me, on the other hand, I had dark skin, brown eyes and black hair. I was on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. 

In that very moment, I felt different. 

A moment that is heavily embedded in my mind is how my kind of people (asians) were represented in these TV shows. They had heavy accents, continued to engage in Asian traditions as “eating rice” and “eating with chopsticks” and the like. What struck me at the time was the mere fact that this did not represent who I was. I spoke great English and I had the occasional burger. Rice was not the only thing I ate. 

In that very moment, I felt very different.